I don’t think i’m interested in painting or art or drawing or anything like that. I’m not interested in rendering out a perfect figure or a perfect landscape. I’m not interested in producing this perfect finished product which holds so much value. I’m not interested in conveying a certain specific idea or message.
I’m interested in magic. I’m interested in process. I’m interested in what unfolds when I show up everyday to make something with my hands. When I start using a new material. When my head starts to do this thing where I’m thinking so many different thoughts at once and I don’t really understand any of it, but I know it’s something good. My hands shake with something good. My heart thumps with something good. Something exciting. Something I don’t have complete control over, but I still maintain a certain amount of control. Because I’m the one yielding it. I’m the one showing up and making this stuff. It’s rendering magic. It’s the excitement that rushes through my veins when things start working. It’s the tea breaks I take when things aren’t exactly clicking. It's trying something new and feeling at home again because the magic is back.
It’s finding magic in the ordinary. It’s finding intrigue and fascination in something so mundane.
Painting is the closest I’ve gotten to magic. Which is something I crave. I crave the excitement of magic. As a girl who would read books about wizards and movies about aliens from other worlds. Living in dreams and make believe. Gazing at stars and wishing so bad to see the northern lights because colored dancing light in the sky that must be magic.
It's wishing to experience something more. Something extraordinary. And painting is that. The process of making something even if it’s absolute shit is extraordinary. It’s therapeutic. It’s feeling based. It’s a place where I don’t need to think. It’s a place where I could accidentally drop my paintbrush on my painting and be completely okay because I know I'm capable of fixing it, covering it up, adding to it. Or I could always start over if need be. There is no right or wrong.
It’s such a comfortable place to be. And it’s a place I’m able to create for myself. The way I make something isn’t up to anyone but myself. It has always been so important for me to enjoy the process of making something. It’s more important than the actual subject of anything I make which is why my work has led into this place where the main focus is my main focus and my main fascination that brings me to show up so often and continue making. It has always been color and texture and process. Back when I would paint european landscapes and go weak in the knees at impressionist paintings. It's not getting stuck and making a lot at the same time. Painting ten plexi glass slabs in ten minutes. Not necessarily thinking about creating one perfect piece, but instead thinking of it as a constant movement forward towards something bigger.
It’s why I like thinking in installations. The idea of creating spaces where others can experience something more. Something bigger. When suddenly their bodies are involved in viewing this thing. They have to move around they have to look up they have to look down that have to move their feet. I want people to be able to step into the magic. To be surrounded by magic you’re just able to feel and be within and not fully understand, but you could feel it. You could feel something new. You feel something different. It could change your perspective. It could make you see differently than you ordinarily would.
I just wanna keep making stuff that excites me. I think that's what I mean by magic. It's maintaining this excitement. This sense of wonder. Not just in the process of painting, but in everything that surrounds me. The chills I get when I hear a really really good song. The way sunlight spills over fields of grass early in the morning as its just rising. How reflections of colors and light in windows are absolute magic. How reflections shift and change as you yourself move around the reflective object. There's magic everywhere and it's a little overwhelming, but in the most incredible way and it makes my head feel fuzzy and bright, but that also might just be the coffee I just finished. I think that may be my cue to stop writing and get back to being productive.